The Runaway Bride

This 1999 Julia Roberts movie is a story about a woman who keeps on running away from her grooms on their wedding day. Richard Gere, a reporter covering the story, finds her, falls in love and they both finally believe that theirs is a love to be. Alas, she runs out on this wedding also, having realized that she tends to morph herself into the kind of person she thinks her suitor is looking for e.g. she didn't even know how she liked to have her eggs, let alone knowing her heart in bigger things in life. She eventually comes back to Gere towards the end of the story, after having 'discovered' who she is.

At the time that I had watched it, the movie had seemed so frivolous and silly but today I realize that there is profound truth in this. I need to know what it is that I like and do not like for me to be able to communicate the same to others. I need to be consistent in my message, I need to have conviction in my beliefs and be prepared to fight for the more important ones. I have too often made the mistake of being reactive without planning, and as a result wavering in my conviction. I have chipped away so much of who I used to be in order to adapt to my perceived notion of reality that I often do not recognize myself. Just like Julia, I almost need to go and eat all sorts of preparations of eggs to know which I like best. Okay, perhaps not as drastic, but certainly a moderate amount of thought experiments is required to ascertain what I do or do not like. Once I have this core, I believe the harmony will simply extend to all spheres and aspects of my life - personal, social and professional.

The fork in the road

Much has happened in my adult life that has left me questioning the meaning of life, the purpose of having the ability to wake up each morning, to muster the energy to shove the covers off and get to planning a day that will productive. For the longest time I have blamed everything around me for my predicament and it has not allowed any forward progress.

I am starting this journal in an effort to document my journey to find tools to help me be a better person, a better partner, a better mother. Hopefully, as I gather knowledge, not only will I create a reference 'manual' for me, but also a treasured legacy for my daughter. Maybe, someday, even if she gets a nugget of positive wisdom from my ramblings, I will be happy in knowing that I mattered in her life.

Today, I am making a choice. I am making the choice to step away from denial and be the change I have been waiting for. I am making the choice to live life on my terms. I am making the choice to create my own meaning for what life can be.